Depression Lies
“Depression lies. It tells you you’ve always felt this way, and you always will. But you haven’t, and you won’t.”
– Halley Cornell
It wasn’t that long ago that I was in the midst of a deep, dark depression. This particular episode lasted nearly four years. I never thought I would make it to the other side alive. It was one of the most painful and excruciating experiences I’ve ever had to endure.
It consisted of countless nights of crying myself to sleep. Never-ending days of feeling completely alone, stagnant, and just not wanting to be here anymore. Beating myself up over and over again telling myself just to snap out of it. But having come out on the other side, there is one thing I’ve come to know for sure – depression lies.
Too often did it make me feel that I was out of control. Depression really had its grip on me this time around. Not that I hadn’t experienced bouts of depression before, but this time it was different. It was relentless and unforgiving.
It had dug it’s nasty claws into me and had no plans of letting go. Depression tells me I have no strength to put up a fight. To defeat it’s grasp once and for all. It tells me I’m not strong enough and never will be. And I believed every word of it.
Depression constantly told me that I wasn’t enough. That there are better people out there that can get the job done and already do so each and every day. People that are better for society overall. It told me that I had no chance at surviving in this world. And once again, I believed every word depression told me.
Depression said that I would never amount to anything. The fact that I was job-hopping left and right caused me to believe that maybe depression was right. Maybe there really is something wrong with me and I will never be a normal, functioning member of society. And so, as I normally did, I believed what depression told me.
Depression tells me that I’m ugly, completely lazy, and disgusting. And without a doubt, I believed it. During the darkest hour, I couldn’t seem to get up before noon. I couldn’t seem to take care of my personal hygiene any more, and I couldn’t seem to eat right or work out (if at all). My energy was depleted to the bare minimum. Because of this, depression was without a doubt right again and I continued to believe it.
Depression also likes to say that I’m crazy. That’s why I feel like this. Every other person seems to have it together. Everyone else is going to their job, building families and homes, creating a successful life. But, I seemed to be stuck in a vicious circle of not knowing what I wanted or how to actually get there.
Depression told me that I should already know what I want out of life and I should already be living it. It adds that I’m running out of time and death is just right around the corner. So as always, I believe depression and further down the rabbit hole I go.
Oh and there was the constant bickering from depression that I was completely alone. That no one cared or could even possibly understand what I was going through. That I was always crying wolf and feeling sorry for myself. That all I did was lay around and cry, so no one even bothered.
As a result, I pushed people away and became angry at them for it. People that are the closest and most dear to me. Simply because I didn’t think that they cared or could continue to handle all of the emotion. Depression must be right again and I continued to believe it.
Depression said that I would never be happy again. That it wasn’t lurking around the corner or within reach. That it’s impossible to think that I could ever deserve to be happy again. It’s just not in the cards for me and I might as well accept my fate. Happiness is long gone and it’s not coming back. It had been this way for so long now. So naturally, I believed it.
Depression told me every day that I did not deserve love and that there was none left within me. Depression said it’s impossible to love someone like me because no one wants to love a crazy, emotional person. And so I believed it.
You see, depression lies. It likes to make you think that you’re not good enough for anyone or anything. That you could never possibly be happy or find peace again. It thrives on making you think that no matter what you do, you will not move on from this. That you will constantly be stuck in this pain and completely alone in it.
It’s so easy to fall in the traps that depression lays out before you. When depression goes from lasting weeks, to months, to years; you question everything about yourself and this world. I’ve struggled with it myself many times. There were instances where it was easier to escape the bottomless pit. Other times, it wasn’t so easy. This most recent experience has been one of those times.
But what I’ve come to learn is that I do deserve happiness. I do deserve love. I deserve success, and anything else that I desire. And I do deserve to be at peace again. I am enough and always will be. No one is better than me and I am not better than anyone else. Life was brought into me for some purpose. No matter how small or large, there is always a reason for holding on and not giving up.
Don’t for a second believe those lies that depression tells you. Depression is deceiving you and wants to keep you in its dark, cold world. It’s feeding off your pain and will ravish any ounce of joy from you if you continue to allow it.
I know first-hand it’s not easy. Believe me – depression held me hostage for a long time. Some days, I still struggle with it. You may not be confident that you got this, but you do. People who struggle with their mental health are some of the strongest people that I know. It’s not going to be easy. But know this, you are not alone. You are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve all the love and happiness in the world.
So what about you? What lies has depression told you? Or continues to tell you?